Monday, March 28, 2011

A lot

That's what has been on my mind lately. A lot. No time to blog just because I can't seem to put my thoughts down. This is my apology. I hope to do better.

Anyway, rumor has it that we're expecting again.

Not one of these.

Some of this.

Geesh, people. Cut me a break.
I start thinking it's spring and someone always says "you know, it's supposed to snow".
Haven't seen it yet, so let's hope they are wrong.

My brain has been on overdrive lately, but it will have a forced slow down this week. We will say goodbye to my grandma on Friday. This is her and Tess at her 100th birthday party. We would have celebrated 102 birthdays in June. Wow. Just to say that out loud..... 102. How many people can say that? 

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I am sad, of course, but for a couple different reasons. While my logical mind knew she wouldn't live forever, I guess my heart thought she would. So despite knowing that this was inevitable, I just never really expected it to come. I'm also sad because I don't think I've seen her since that party. I just always assumed she would be there, like I remembered her. Not the way she had been for the last several years. The Alzheimers took so much from her. She had a hard enough time remembering her own five children, let alone the multitudes of grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great, great grandchildren. I feel guilty that I didn't go to see her in the nursing home, justifying it by saying I was so busy with my own family, but really not wanting to face that she wasn't the grandma I remembered from my childhood, that she didn't even recognize me. I have such great memories of her from when I was young that I didn't want these new memories clouding that. Does that make sense?

It is because of her that I have my own big family. I always saw her as the strong matriarch of this wonderfully large family, and I wanted that too. To grow old surrounded by my children and grand children, little cousins laughing and playing together at my feet. I think that's what would make me happiest, and I like to think, it did her too. 

1 comment:

Sarah in MT said...

I would agree, Carla, that having the little kids around her was what made Grandma happiest. Dig through your pics and you'll find one of Tess sitting on the picnic table in front of Grandma at our last reunion. Although Grandma really couldn't carry on a conversation with us any longer, you can see in her face the joy she found in that little girl. So put your guilt away and know you brought her pleasure by sharing your babies with her. Hugs.