Saturday, September 06, 2008

Mommy guilt

Yesterday was a bad Mommy day. Of course, I had big plans to clean among other things. I guess I should just accept that Tess thinks it's a better idea for me to just sit and hold her all day. In fact, she is lying on my lap right now. This was her yesterday, in one of her rare moments sleeping in the swing. Check out the chubby cheeks. I have no idea how much she weighs right now, since I don't own a scale. I would guess a little over 8 pounds. I moved up to the size 1 diapers, but they still seem a little big on her.
Unfortunately, she never follows the same schedule so I can't anticipate when would be a good time to get things done. She used to nap good in the afternoon. Yesterday, the morning was the best time. I got a few loads of laundry done and transformed some tomatoes from this
to this...

That felt like alot more tomatoes than three little bowls when I was cutting them up. At least they made it to the freezer which is more than I can say for most of the fruits of my gardening labor.

I was going to hang up some pictures in the afternoon but Tess decided that was Mommy and me time. So, I did nothing. Well, no, I read some blogs and caught up on the second season of McLeod's daughters. Only 5 more seasons to go! Oh, and I broke up some fights between my young spawn who were trapped in the house due to the rain. I hate rain. And snow. And anything that traps them in the house.

And why is it, I wait until the hubby gets home, thinking he'll be able to hold her so I can make dinner, or go pee, or take a shower for God's sake... and that's when she decides she'll sleep in her swing for a couple hours? I put her in the swing, made dinner, ate it, watched a movie, and then, she was awake, at 9:30, for 4hours! She would nurse, fall asleep, fall off the boob, wake up, nurse, fall asleep, fall off the boob, wake up, and so on..... Burping didn't work, changing her didn't work, lying down with her didn't work. I felt guilty because she was just so restless and I didn't know why. Then I felt guilty because I just didn't care anymore. After being a human pacifier for 4 hours, I just couldn't take it. I was exhausted, my nipples were throbbing, and my hip was screaming. I am a back sleeper and only lie on my side long enough to nurse her, then roll over. I was so tired and frustrated, I was near tears. After a couple more attempts at getting her to sleep, I left her in my bed to cry while I fumbled through the darkness searching for a pacifier, hoping I wouldn't wake up the boys with my grotesque sobbing, snorting snot noises. And since she rarely takes a pacifier, knowing the location of one is not necessarily a requirement. Oh, the car seat! The car seat, I saw one in the car seat! Where is that car seat? Ow! There it is. (Hey, funny thing. Spell check will also suggest Cars Eat for carseat. Do cars eat?)

So, I made my way back up the stairs, hoping I don't step on cat poop in the dark. I tried swaddling her and giving her the pacifier. She took it, and was quiet. For 4-5 minutes. The problem with a baby who doesn't use a pacifier regularly, is that they don't really know how to hold onto it without assistance. Which kind of defeats the whole, give the kid a binky to get some rest idea. More guilt then, because I didn't want to put her back to the breasts that were crying for a break and I didn't want to stay up and hold the pacifier in her mouth.

Bobby got up at that point and took her downstairs, to give her a bottle. Which caused me more guilt because I wasn't giving her what she needed. I started to fall into that maybe I'm not making enough milk rut. I'm not sure if her crying or my silent sobbing is what woke him up. But, I felt guilty for that too. So I cried. Again.

Then I woke up at 7:30 this morning. I think I slept 5 hours straight. So I woke up in a better mood. Bobby? Not so much. Apparently, she continued the same pattern until 5 am. Falling asleep for 5 minutes, waking up...... even after the bottle, of which she only took an ounce. I think I forgot how tough this newborn period is. No, I didn't forget. I purposely erased it from memory just so I wouldn't anticipate the sleep deprivation and the absurdity of trying to rationalize with a preverbal infant.

Hopefully, today will be a better day. We have made some brownies. Mmm, chocolate. Chocolate is always good. While I love brownies, I was also hoping that might be a deterrent to keep Tatum out of my Oreo stash. The little cookie thief.

1 comment:

tyketto said...

I hear you. My second was a werebaby (like a werewolf - but a baby). As soon as the sun set she screamed - for hours. And she was a winter baby. The screaming became less and less as she grew older but oh the sleepless nights. One of my husband's favorite sayings - This too shall pass. Hope you all got some sleep last night! Beth